coward

I thought there was something wrong with me.

Perhaps my thighs were a bit more padded than you were accustomed to,

and you didn’t like the heavy weight when I sat in your lap.

Maybe it was that one time you seemed annoyed I had dirtied your glasses

and you though I wore to much makeup.

Coincidentally, I might not have looked the same in person as I do online

and you thought the girl in pictures was prettier, and I wasn’t worth your time.

Unfortunately, we were busy and it was hard to coordinate dates

and you thought it could never work in the long term.

I wonder if I was to slow to open up to you

an you thought you were wasting your time.

Or, possibly, I attached too much (when I finally let myself)

and you thought that was scary, and wanted to retreat.

Finally, flesh on flesh for a night

and you had finally gotten what you wanted (or had you?).

Maybe it was too fast, or I was too slow, or or or or or or or or or ……. a million other things.

 

and I thought there was something wrong with me, but I’ve realized you were just a coward too afraid to say goodbye.

vulnerable

vulnerable, vulnerAble

the same in french and english

universal fear

of being

open.

 

afraid to show ourselves to another,

we cut ourselves off.

put ourselves in tight little corners

small little boxes

cut off the strings

that tie us to one another.

 

i can’t bear it.

i can’t breathe under the weight, the pressure

the fear of being judged.

 

so i protect myself.

i distance myself.

i tell myself little white lies:

you don’t care, you don’t care.

 

so that, if it turns out, that you

do not care.

it will be something i can

hopefully bear.

Parachute

Falling in love with you was like jumping out of a plane – with one too many parachutes.

 

I had never done it before, the exhilarating rush of the fall caught my breathe at first.

 

But then I began to worry about when to pull the shoot. Afraid to fall, afraid to hit the ground too hard, I pulled up too fast.

 

When I kept falling, I thought something had gone wrong, so I pulled open another chute.

And another.

And another.

 

At each milestone I began to fall slower.

 

13,000 feet – still going strong, but controlled. You asked me to be your girlfriend after months of summer lovin’.

 

10,000 feet – you take my breath away, slower. The first few dates, managing long distance. Facetimes and text messages, late at night.

 

8,000 feet – I feel the anxiety pumping in my veins, I pull the reins. After the “I love you”s lose their glamour. Do I?

 

5,000 feet – losing sight of where we came from, looking to where we’re going. Texts and calls less frequent, I’m looking towards my future – with or without you.

 

3,000 feet – I can see the ground beneath my feet, the end in sight. A spring break vacation spent with your family, tensions high. We fight behind closed doors in a cold Northern state, far from home.

 

1,000 feet – this is it, make it or break it, fear in our hearts of what will happen. We know it will soon be over. A bad taste in our mouths when we kiss, the passion isn’t there. You don’t say “I love you” quite like you did before.

 

0,000 feet – my feet slam onto the ground. I’m on my own, but I’m alive. The excitement is over, but this is when I truly start living. You ask me if I love you, I’m scared, but I say “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” I feel broken, yet alive.

#156

I can tell there is a lingering question in your voice, a fear,

as you ask me how long I will be away.

“Will we last?” is what you meant to say.

I don’t know, and neither do you,

so for now I answer the easier of the two –

“7 weeks.”

Alligator eyes

beady black eyes above the water

watching you

never seen, always seeing

sneaky

you are a sitting duck

living life oblivious

happy

the ticking tock brings the crock

time cannot pass without seeing him again

slowly slithering, you under his gaze

SNAP!

a violent gnashing of white teeth, pointed fangs

pull you under the water

again.